Q. I have been trying to cultivate a more casual relationship with my husband’s ex. We share the kids’s time in 7-day blocks—a week with us and a week with her and I figured a more casual interaction would help the cause. But, yesterday she asked to borrow my favorite dress for an event we’ll both attend. She knows I won’t be wearing it—I just wore it to an occasion, so she wants to. I don’t want to be THAT good of friends, but I’m afraid if I say no because it might upset my bonusdaughter. She’s so happy her mom and I get along. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Well, you have the right idea in concept—reaching across that imaginary line in the sand to make it easier for the kids to go back and forth, but with establishing this sort of relationship comes the need for very strict boundaries. We usually don’t formally talk about the boundaries we need when we make friends—you learn as you go and try to react sensitively as time progresses. It’s necessary with this type of relationship.
First you have to ask yourself if you really do want to be friends or if your goal is just to be cordial so exchanges aren’t drama. Most will say cordial—and that’s probably the safest—because you are right, if there is a fallout of any sort it will affect your relationship with your bonusdaughter. Plus, if there is a disagreement, can you imagine how that might put your bonusdaughter in the middle? She will have to pick a side with repercussions any way she turns. (The real reason a close relationship with your bonuschild’s mother might not be a good idea.)
Now, in regards to borrowing a dress…Ex-etiquette for parents rule #8 is, “Be honest and straightforward.” Personally, I don’t like to loan my clothes to people, nor do I like borrowing clothes. I’m always afraid I’ll ruin them or they will, and I don’t want the responsibility–and I would say exactly that. Tell her it’s a personal boundary of yours. ”And, by the way, maybe we should sit down and talk about some other things just to make sure we are on the same page.” Your husband should always be present with any conversation that establishes house rules or affects his children.
I was very lucky and that may be why I’m open to relationships like you describe. My bonus kids’ mother always kept the kids’ welfare in the forefront (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule #1, “Put the kids first.”) We developed a very close relationship as the kids grew and they could depend that we would consult each other and make decisions with their welfare in mind–BUT our BOUNDARIES were very well established. We assigned each other responsibilities—she was in charge of personal grooming, I was in charge of the more academic stuff—and realized that if we crossed the line we were both insulted. We both knew that the kids’ welfare is what counted and that was our bond. That was the concept on which the Bonus Families non-profit organization was based and there are articles on the website with suggestions on how to establish a relationship with the other home when the kids go back and forth. Keyword: counterpartner and BOUNDARIES.
Ex-Etiquette®, runs in countless newspapers and websites all over the world. It is written by Dr. Jann Blackstone, who specializes in child custody, divorce, and stepfamily mediation. Dr. Jann is the author of seven books on divorce, remarriage, and co-parenting, specifically, Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce and Separation, and other Ex-etiquette books. Dr. Blackstone is also the founder of Bonus Families,501 c3 non-profit organization dedicated to peaceful coexistence between divorced or separated parents and their combined families.